No more people pleasing for Me!

Life can sometimes show you things you never thought you'd see. Asking questions of the universe, allowing and accepting the answers that come forth can sometimes be shocking. After getting to a certain age, I begin to question my life and the way my life had turned out. Although for normal standards I should be happy with all I had, there was something missing. No, it wasn't material things that was missing! It was something much, much deeper! Who was I really? Did I really know myself? Was I really happy with the person I had become? These were questions that I asked myself. I prayed about it and I meditated on it, then I waited for the answers to come to me. At first there was no response. My life continued as normal. Everyday going through the same ole, same ole. Working, taking care of family and friends, this was my life. 

I had a pretty big circle of friends and family around me all the time. Always helping out when needed and working extra when I could, I thought nothing of it. But you know what? Self reflection can be a real eye opener! Every time I meditated and prayed I would see myself. No one else would be there, just me? Why was I the only one who came up in my meditations and dreams? I knew I needed to improve myself if I wanted changes but I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole would go! So I set out on a quest to know myself! What was it about me that I was missing? I am a very caring and giving person. I am well liked by the people who know me and would basically give the shirt off my back if someone needed it. So what was the problem and how could I get to the bottom of it?

I begin to go deeper inside myself. In the stillness and the calmness of my spirit the answers begin to emerge. I was my biggest problem. I had not accepted myself for who I was.. Hell, I didn't even know fully who I was! Somehow I missed the key part of being happy! Accepting myself for who I was. This started from a young age and it had more to do with my self esteem than anything else. As a child I was mostly raised by my grandmother. My grandmother loved me dearly and always did her very best for me. She showed me so many things and always had my best interest at heart. She raised me to be a good God fearing person. She taught me how to respect myself and others! She taught me how to give of myself when needed. I appreciate all that she did for me in my life! Without her guidance and wisdom there's no telling how I would have ended up. I never wanted to disappoint her because she was my biggest supporter growing up.

But there was something that she couldn't teach, it has to come from within! That something is self-love! I grew up not really sure of myself. I always had self-doubt and I would always seek approval from others. I grew up thinking that I had to have the approval of others and to do what was expected of me. When it comes to friends and family, I would go out of my way to be like or loved. I thought this is what I needed to do to be accepted by my peers. Meanwhile inside I was always lonely and afraid that if I would be myself nobody would like me. This also applies when it comes to my looks. Being a little girl and thinking I could not be myself was hard. My grandmother never knew of my internal strife. I was always told I was pretty, smart, and well behaved growing up. I learned early that everybody likes you when you do what is expected of you. So this is what I thought I should do! Going to school, college, marriage, and kids were all things expected of me. So that is what I did! I always kept myself well manicured and well dressed! I kept my hair straight and stylish. And I was always aware of my weight. I would never let myself get too big, because no one would accept me (so I thought)! I have to keep my hair a certain way and always look well-dressed (or no one would accept me, I thought). I played that game for so long, I began to think that's who I was!

As I got older things begin to change. I realized that I was not happy being that girl. I no longer wanted to be that person anymore. Depression begin to set in because I had no idea how to change all this about myself. I had kept this mask on for so long, was the real me even there anymore! How could I be myself or let my real feelings show without running everybody away from me? Would I even accept my real self once it came to the surface? I did not know, but I had to try. No one wants to live their whole life being something they are not!! Besides, I was getting older. My children were now grown and I have been married for over twenty years! I was at the point that something had to give. I was no longer happy wearing this mask! So I made a deal with myself. I would take the mask off in pieces, not all at once! I would begin to accept myself first. I had no idea what would happen or how it would turn out, but I had to try! Little by little I begin this journey of discovering myself. I started with my personality. Who was I really? There was things that I put up with for years just to keep the approval of others! So I begin not doing as much as I used to do! All the social obligations and giving of me and my time begin to slow down. I started taking more time for myself! I started saying no to obligations that did suit me or that over extended me. Then I moved on to my hair! No longer would I spend so much time and money to keep my hair a certain way. I would be more natural from now on! The same applied to the way I dressed! I would be more free to dress the way I seen fit and not worry about what others may think.

It took me a while because I had never done it before. But I was beginning to like the new me! Slowly I begin loving myself the way I was naturally! This didn't come easy! At first I would look at myself in the mirror and cry! I did not like what I saw! My hair especially! But I was determined to keep going. Change can sometimes be difficult! I stuck with it! I would not give up on myself. I felt I deserved to know and accept the real me. The me without the hair and makeup! The me without worrying what others would accept! I wanted to accept myself. I went from cringing when I saw my natural self, to finally being happy and proud of my natural self. Again this didn't happen overnight! It took some time and some real soul searching! My life begin to change and the people around me begin to fade. I begin to realize that most of the people in my life was only there because of the things I was doing for them! No one ever went out of their way to help me do anything. With friends like that, I didn't need enemies! As I started accepting myself more, I cared less and less of what people thought and I simply waved goodbye when they took an exit out of my life!

My confidence kept building higher and higher! I finally felt good in my own skin. Actually this was an amazing transformation! Being able to accept myself took way more effort and sacrifice than I thought it would but it was totally worth it. People pleasing takes a lot of time and effort. I now do other things with my time! Things that I actually enjoy and want to do. I've always wanted to learn to play the piano, and now I'm taking lessons! I now have time for gardening and long walks in nature! I always wanted to wear my natural hair and wear less makeup! Now, I get dressed up only when I feel like it! Most days I am absolutely happy with my natural face and hair! There was a time I would never go out in public unless I looked a certain way! It would take me hours to get my hair, makeup, and clothes just right to only run a quick errand to the store. Nowadays, I don't worry about it, I do what I feel like doing! I do things that matter to me, like spending time with my grandchildren! I go on dates with my husband, just the two of us! My stress levels are way down and my spirits are up! For the first time in my life I feel confident on the inside! It's a great feeling! Although my family and friends begin to fade, my husband loves me more than ever. Our relationship has improved since I've started this journey! He likes my new acceptance and confidence in myself! I'm more positive now and the depression I once felt is completely gone. Life is good! I could never go back to the way I use to be. I am thankful that I had the courage to look inside and challenge myself to change. At times the road was quite bumpy but I could have never gotten to where I am today if I hadn't have tried to change my life and myself. Life can pass you by so fast. I am glad I didn't wait any longer to change. Now I've found out that the universe will give you exactly what you ask for if you are willing to do the work! Loving myself never felt so good!