Understanding my emptiness

Life's second act..

I never thought that my life could start anew. Being in my late 40's with grown children and 6 grandchildren, I thought my life was pretty routine. Going through the everyday motions of life and doing what I normally do everyday, day after day. But something happened about a year ago to change not only my routine, it has changed my life!

I made the decision to move away to the country! I didnt think this was such a big deal. I knew my life would change but I wasn't expecting much of a change. Moving always comes with changes! A new place, new scenery, and a new area! I knew it would take some getting use to but I was ready for the challenge!

But there was something I was not ready for. The personal changes that would take place in my life! Besides the average changes one goes through with any move, I also begin to see personal changes! The first thing I noticed had to do with the people in my life. Before I moved I had quite a few friends. People I had known for years! But after I moved those same friends begin to fade away.

One by one my friends begin to vanish almost into thin air! What was happening? I suddenly found myself absolutely alone! The lunches with friends once a week, gone! The long talks and social gatherings, also gone! Again I asked myself what was happening? I couldn't make sense of it! The same thing begin to happen with family member! Everybody had drifted away!

At first the loneliness was unbearable. Trying to cope with moving to a new place was hard enough but not having a friend or family member to talk to made it even harder! I looked around and all I had was my husband and me! He to experienced a similar situation! All of a sudden we only had each other! I was glad to have my husband because we are not only husband and wife, we are good friends. He was the only somebody I could turn to for comfort and understanding!

At this point I begin to look at myself and turn within for answers! How could this be happening to me? I was someone who was beloved by everyone who knew me! Friends and family would often come to me for advice! Now, nobody would even call! Nobody wanted to visit either! Even when I would reach out for help, I'd get a cold response or everybody was all of a sudden too busy!

As I begin to look within and search myself for answers, it finally begin to become clear to me what was happening! It was time for a change in my life! Not just the change from moving but the change of my life! Everything in my life had to change! The friends and family I had around me had to be cleared away for the new friends and family! Things could not remain the same!

In order for my life to change there had to be a clearing away! Even though it was a hard pill to swallow, I had to accept what was taking place in my life. The only way I could get to my new life was to allow the changes to happen! It took me a while to accept this. I had been in the same routine for so long. I at first felt I was too old for these changes!

I was scared of change! The older you get the more you usually dislike changes! I fought against it at first! I ran to every friend I had trying to cling to the past. But I quickly learned that my friends had moved on. Nobody had time for me or my life! This was a hard blow to my ego! All that I have done for family and friends down through the years! How dare they just drop me like a hot potato?

Then it dawned on me! I must move on! I could no longer hold onto the past! No matter how I'd like to hold on, I had to let go... Letting go was not easy but it was something I had to do! So after many nights of crying and being upset, I finally let go! I knew it was for the best!

So what happens next? I let go and then what? What would become of my life now? I had all kinds of reservations about the future! But once I let go, I begin to get peace from it all. I begin to realize life was not over just because my life changed! I finally begin to realize my life was starting a new phase! Life left me no choice! I had to finally spend time with myself!

Now a year later, I still don't have friends. I have made friends with myself! I now listen to myself and I've learned to put my ego aside. As I begin spending time with myself, I have time to do things I've always wanted to do! I meditate, do yoga, and spend as much time as I can in nature! My relationship with hubby is better than ever! My life is a lot less stressful and drama free! The emptiness I once felt is gone! I no longer fear change or the future because now I know everything happens for a reason! Most of all I've found peace and happiness! A new journey is just beginning...