A Woman and her Hair...

When it comes to women and their hair it goes as far back as creation. Women has always been seen in history to have long flowing hair. Hair is a big part of womanhood. From the time I was a little girl I was told by my grandmother that a women's hair is her crown! The quest for perfect hair is ingrained in every little girl. We grow up always being self conscious of our hair and over every detail of our hair. The washing, conditioning, combing, & styling sometimes took hours. Some girls get obsessed with having perfect hair! And some girls get teased for not having perfect hair. 

I grew up being one of those girls who got teased about my hair. Even though my hair was long, it was very thin. My grandmother would wash it and straighten it every week. My hair was always combed and maintained. But it was often fly-away, and coily. Unlike some of the other girls in school who had either thick wavy hair or thick straight hair. I felt worthless around those kinds of girls because I didn't feel like my hair measured up. Back then they didn't have the wigs and weaves like they do now. There wasn't anything I could really do about my hair back then. So as a little girl I stayed shy and quiet.

By the time I was in high school, box braids with hair extensions were popular. That gave me a chance to wear my hair differently and to add volume and length to my hair. As with every young teenage girl, I wanted to fit in with the other girls. I wanted to feel as if I was just as good as them... But the bullying continued. I begin to get anxiety over my hair. I know it sounds strange, but I was so fearful of the way my hair looked. I didn't want to be stared at or talked to. I mostly stayed off to myself. My only friends were my cousins who knew me. Nobody knew it then, but that was the biggest reason for my shyness! I was terrified of the way my hair looked. I didn't feel attractive and I didn't think boys would find me attractive because my hair was so thin, long, and ugly?

Then there was my senior year. I really begin to blossom out and fill in. I started to get looks from boys that I hadn't got before. The attention felt good but I still felt ugly! My solution was make-up. I begin to experiment with makeup and I got really good at it. I finally started to do my own hair. I decided to get me some hair extensions. By the end of senior year I looked good enough to have a boyfriend and my confidence had changed. I now felt with hair extensions I could look more like a women, I would look more feminine.

I wore my hair with extensions and wigs for many years... I left my natural hair behind. I never wanted to ever wear my natural hair because it was not good enough to be seen. For years I wore hair extensions and wigs without even caring much about my natural hair. I even taught myself how to do my own hair extensions! I even learned how to make my own wigs! I kept my hair stylish and fashionable. At most times my hair was well groomed and styled. I no longer had any issues with my hair. I would always get compliments on my hair. Sometimes (with the wigs or weave), I would wear my hair very long! Everyone loved it.

Thanks to my learning how to install weaves and make wigs, my confidence soared. My hair was now part of my personality. It was part of me! By the time I was in my forties, I was still getting compliments on my weaves and wigs, but something inside me was beginning to change. I was now getting older! I started wanting to be more natural. I took a good look at my life and my hair. I was starting to get very tired of the constant up-keep and maintenance involved in my wigs and weaves. Not only that, arthritis was setting in, and now my fingers didn't act the way they use to. All the sewing, washing, and combing took a toll on my shoulders and fingers! Standing for a long time now makes my feet swell.

So here I was stuck in the middle of my life, wanting to be natural, but not wanting to give up my weave and wigs! Going natural didn't actually start with my hair. It started with my body. In my middle forties I decided to pay more attention to my health. I have a couple of chronic health issues that I hadn't been taking care of properly. My mission was to get into better health and eat more natural. After I had lost weight and begin eating more natural, I moved on to other areas in my life. How could I make my life more natural, not just my health? On my journey of being more natural, my hair was a natural progression. But what I didn't expect was the conflict I would have with myself over going natural with my hair.

See, it all goes back to my childhood days. The constant teasing and thinking I'm not good enough came back to haunt me all these years later. I never really did deal with those feelings and the issues I was facing back then with my hair. I learned a new routine and buried all those fears about my hair deep down inside. Going natural pulled all those fears back to the top! I was facing a very big dilemma. How can I just chop off my hair and grow it back natural? The teasing might start up all over again. And what about my looks! Will I look like a little boy with my hair cut so short? What will my friends and family think, they hadn't seen me natural since I was a young girl? And my husband, what would he think? Would he accept my natural hair and still think I'm attractive? All these questions floating in my head. The anxiety was real!! I went back and forth with myself for months.... What would I do?

And then one day I said "I'm going natural"! I'm not going to care what people think. I'm not going to care what anyone says! I'm doing this for me! This is my life and I'm old enough to do what I want. I decided not to let my fears stop me from trying to be more of my natural self. This is something I've wanted and been working on now for a couple of years. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to go natural. It took thought and reflection before I made my decision.  Yes, it was well thought through. I weighed the pros and the cons! I felt the pros outweighed the cons. At my age I didn't have to explain myself to anyone. And I felt I owed it to myself to at least try because I wanted to. I was curious to see how my hair would look. I didn't even know if it would grow or not. But I had to give it a try at least once!

I took the plunge! I shaved my head and it was as short as it could be. For the first three months I wore my hair mostly wrapped up in scarves and I would still occasionally wear a wig. My hair was so short, but it was growing. After three months I said "no more wigs"! I wanted to wear my natural hair out in public. At times it was hard because my old fears would try to come back! Especially when I'm in public places. I occasionally get stares and dirty looks! But I'm older now, I'm more confident now! I don't have to let my fears define me! I don't have to let my hair define me! I've been taking good care of my hair and I'm proud to say it is growing like a weed...lol. I'm not sure how long it will grow. And I'm not saying I won't go back to wearing a wig or weave. But if I do go back to wearing wigs, it'll be after I've at least tried to grow my own hair. Who knows what will happen. Now even though my hair is natural and short, I no longer feel ugly and unimportant. Now, I'm natural by choice! I feel naturally beautiful...

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Angelofthe South