Learning to put Me first...

It sounds easy to do, putting yourself first. Some people come by it quite naturally. This world is full of people who only think of themselves! There are some who learned early to take care of themselves and to make sure they did things that made them happy and validated. Taking care of yourself should come easy, right? Not necessarily! Times hasn't changed too much for women and putting themselves first. If you are a women, you are automatically supposed to be more giving and nurturing. Your needs are supposed to come behind your kids and family, right? Women of today sacrifice a lot of themselves in order to have kids, family, and career. Being the one who nurtures and takes care of the family is a job usually reserved for the women. 

It's not all bad putting others first. Especially when it comes to your kids and family. Being there for your children when they need you is priceless. Children need guidance and lots of attention. I never did mind putting my kids and family first. The role I've played as a mother is one I'd never take back. I've learned a lot from being a mother and raising children. For years I put my family first and I didn't give it a second thought. I didn't even consider or give it much thought, but I was losing myself while I was taking care of others. But things always change, eventually! Kids turn into adults. My role changed as a mother and caregiver.

Once the children moved away, I had to take a hard look at my life and figure out what to do. This is when I realized that I had put myself last for so long, I had no idea what to do with myself. I had been a mother and caregiver for so long, I didn't consider it ever coming to an end. But it did. At first I was in denial. I tried to tell my kids how to do this or that once they'd moved away, but they quickly reminded me that they were now in charge of their own lives. The phone calls and visits became less frequent. And I found myself with more time to myself than I'd ever had. The next thing I knew depression set in. I got to the place where it was hard to get out of bed most days. I gained weight and begin to feel sorry for myself. I still had hubby with me at home but it wasn't the same with the kids gone.

I had to do something with my life! I felt myself slipping further and further into depression. Then one morning I woke up feeling different. I begin to think about what was happening and what I could do to pull myself out of it. I begin by making myself do research and study. I begin to ask myself real honest questions like, "What have you always wanted to do"?, "How could I change my life for the better now that the kids are gone"?, If I could recreate myself, who would I be"? Each day I would start off by just getting up out of bed and getting dressed (even though I might not have anywhere to go)! I made it a habit to read as many books as I could get my hands on. Even after work, I would read or research a topic I was interested in. I got up and got moving again! Exercising and walking helped me with depression and weight loss. I started taking better care of my body. I became more aware of the foods I was eating and I started making better food choices. I found out about meditation and how it can help with depression. I begin to meditate first thing in the morning. Meditating helped me to see things in a different light. It also helped me to see that I still had life in me and that my life was still special. Even though I've raised children and had a career for over twenty years, there's still life to live.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself and begin to have compassion for myself. I allowed myself to grieve the loss of the old me! I could now see life as a process. We all have to go through different phases in life. Nothing stays the same! You see, at first I really didn't want life to change. I didn't want my life to be any different than what it had always been. I never wanted my children to grow up. I wanted my home life to stay the same. The whole thing was scary to me. I had played that role for so long, I thought it defined me and who I was! But it didn't. What I came to realize is that I am more than the roles I play in life. I realize that my story still had chapters yet unwritten. Now I have a chance to recreate my life the way I want! I will always be a mother and a caregiver, but now I know that's not all I am. I am much, much more! I had to learn how to put myself first by doing it! I had to actually put it into action!  Now when I think about my days and my schedule, I think of what I might want to do first. Slowly but surely I've begin to put myself first.. My story continues. My journey is not finished! I'm not sure what this new chapter will look like or how I will be redefined, but I do know that I'll keep working on Me everyday! Each day learning how to put myself first more. Each day learning how to become a better Me!